My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
You Might Also Like
Delightful if true: booby trap.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
so weird how every mom was born today
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.