valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
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Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
I think I’m going to Bangladesh.
Ladesh: I have a boyfriend.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”