My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
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“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
#FF @funTweeters. Killing me wonly!
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
ME: So you’re into football?
DATE: I’m a big Eagles fan.
ME: Omg same. I just love how they rescued Frodo from that mountain.
HER: I need to see other people.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.