Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
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shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
spicy snake
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
i think both sides are to blame here
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*