If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
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[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
So glad we cleared that up
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
COVID-19: …
Alpha Variant: …
Delta Variant: …
Onomatopoeia Variant: KABLOOEY!
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.