Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
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My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
Europe. Made in Germany.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping