Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
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If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
absolutely pissing myself over this police chase in LA. man running from police. going over 100mph. but still religiously using his blinker
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin