BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
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*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
just make the entire table out of coaster
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.