If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
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old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
Wow…Looks like I’ve added some muscle mass.
~me everytime the scale tells me
I’m getting fatter.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
Good morning
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.
DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.
ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect