Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
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Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Me: this whole quarantine thing has caused me to use my phone so much more. my phone case feels super grimy and sticky.
Husband: are…are you using your phone to spread peanut butter?
Me, licking case: and jam.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.