I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
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hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?