~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
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*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.