*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
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Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Me: There are plenty of ways to skin a cat
Cat (pulls out switchblade): Oh, you wanna dance, tweet boy? C’mon – bring it!
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
True freaking story!
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.