Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
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If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.
“I’m sure it’ll turn up” – Translation: I’m bored of helping you look.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.