Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
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Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out