A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
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Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
My background check bounced.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
<- sleeps well with others
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates