You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
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Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
all bases covered
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
For english press ONE. Para espanol el primo numero DOS. If you like totes can’t even right now, obvs press THREE.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold