[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
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Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
What’s the difference between a $20 steak and a $85 steak?
February 14th.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.