(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
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A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
My 12-year-old went to a movie with a boy.
I gave her money for her ticket.
The boy paid.
I did not get my money back.
I learned an important lesson about dating today.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Tree: so how do I eat?
God: you just absorb sunlight and-
Tree: I EAT THE SUN?!
God: well not exactly-
Tree: *expression darkening* I ᴀᴍ ᴛʜᴇ ᴇᴀᴛᴇʀ ᴏғ ʟɪɢʜᴛ. I ᴀᴍ ᴅᴀʀᴋɴᴇss ɪɴᴄᴀʀɴᴀᴛᴇ
God:
Angel: boss I’m just gonna go ahead and scrap tree legs.
Please stay out of the flood waters. They are busy and don’t have time for your bullshit.
[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
What do you hear?
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
how to have an accident 101
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.