People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
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Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
mariah carrie
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx