You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
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My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I bet
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.