Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
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We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.