Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
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[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
If a snake ate a cake
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die