computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
[on honeymoon in Paris]
Her: Look, there’s the Eiffel Tower
Me: Wait, I thought you said you’d never been to Paris before?
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.