My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
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scrabbled eggs
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
Body by Oreos
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
If only.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that