The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
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Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.