I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
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I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
started wrapping my pills in cheese
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Husband: We’re invited to a dinner party
Me: Did Agatha Christie teach us nothing??
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what