Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
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Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.