Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
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doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!