Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
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Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
I let my 5 year old talk me into playing kickball-basketball, so now I’ve got to explain this bloody nose to my wife.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
rise and shine we got egg
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
covid positive at the same time as ur long distance crush? sars crossed lovers
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)