“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
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When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
They’re called werewolves.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
*cooks for 2 hours with all fresh ingredients*
My family: it’s ok*throws in frozen pizza*
My family: yayyyy pizzaaaa!
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Who knew!