Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
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@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
(Starts period)
Husband: OHHHH, so that’s why you’ve been such a b-
Me: WHAT!?
Him: What?
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
Good Morning.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
nyc:
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.