I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
You Might Also Like
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Why is my life so hard?!!
~Me, trying to open a jar .
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Today I gave my son some chips from England. He put one in his mouth, made a face, and asked what flavour it was. ‘Roast Beef’ I replied. He promptly spat it out and asked “why would they do that?” Buddy, we’ve been asking Britain that question for 500 years.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”