For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
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wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
S O O N
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
I bet birds love this building.
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.