My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
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Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Fitness app: how much do you want to lose each week? 0.5 lbs? 1 lb? 2 lbs?
Me: Um, obviously 2
FA: this is how much you can eat.
Me: ok try 1
FA: sure, here is your calorie ration.
Me:
FA:
Me: ok let’s say I wanted to gain 3 lbs.
FA: here you go!
Me: That’s it?
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM