Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
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Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
I can’t stop laughing at this
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I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
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I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.