wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
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The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.
It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.