Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
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Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out