Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
You Might Also Like
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
omg leave her alone
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading / homework as they leave.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
The baby just put her head on my chest and fell asleep…that means that I need to lose some weight because I shouldn’t be fat enough to be this comfortable
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*