The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
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Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Why are normal house sounds suddenly menacing when I’m alone?
Not alone: Hears creaking. It’s the wind.
Alone: Hears creaking. Yup, that’s an ax murderer.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.