What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
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Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
This hospital has everything
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Had a little meltdown at work yesterday, so the upside is that everyone will be afraid to talk to me for awhile.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
welp
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.