Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
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When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?