Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
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If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Wake me when AI does housework
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
#MeanwhileInCanada
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk