Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
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Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
I went out of town for a few days and came home to my dog who seems to want to have a word with me about it.
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
I read all tweets with poor grammar and word choice in a Cookie Monster voice.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’