Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day
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Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she鈥檚 unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
When serial killers can鈥檛 afford to travel, they take slaycations
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 馃様
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it鈥檚 definitely the balloons.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 馃檨
There鈥檚 been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so