When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
You Might Also Like
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
I am all good here, 😂😉
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.