Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
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The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down