Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
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My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss