Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
You Might Also Like
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
それは草
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
CASHIER: would you like to donate one dollar to charity?
ME: no thank you
SATAN (sitting on a throne made of human skulls): excellent choice
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑