A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
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Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
a badder mouse
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Quarantine has given me some free time so I made an exit survey for people who left me on read on dating sites
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose